My Faith Journey~Lamentations 3

Dear Jesus,

It is not easy for me to get out and about anymore.  You know this, even though it is difficult for others to understand.  Some days I feel so good and yet I know I must pace myself on those days.  “Crashes” are always in the back of my mind.  Some days I don’t feel well at all, yet I feel you pushing me out the door.  Last night was such a night.

I was feeling spacey, exhausted and emotional.  I was struggling with pain, yet I knew you wanted me to go fellowship with ladies at church.  Fellowship.  It is not something I ever thought would be a struggle for me, yet here I am.

When I first arrived, I hurt and couldn’t think and I wanted to leave.  I even mapped out a plan to leave quietly.  There was a beautiful candle burning.  I love candles, but it wasn’t long before the symptoms hit me and it took all I had not to cry.  “WHY do I have to suffer like this!?  Why can’t I be like others who can sit in a cozy room, with a beautiful flickering candle and be unaffected?  Why can’t I just be NORMAL?” 

Yes, you know my heart, Lord.  It is real before you.  RAW AND REAL.  And last night I felt mad about the cup handled to me, because now it is not just about me and my illness anymore.  Now it involves my children.  Now it’s not just, “I’m sick”, but “We’re sick”.   And my heart could not be encouraged. 

As I tried to listen and focus on the speaker on video, a precious friend, the war within me raged on….until the end, when it is as if she spoke straight into my heart as she read Your word.

“Remember my affliction, and my wandering, the wormwood and the bitterness.  Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.  This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.  The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.  “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.”  It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:19-26

Tears burned my eyes.  I have hoped in You.  I have waited for You.  Grief stings my soul in that very moment.  It is all I have to hold back the tears.  When the fellowship began, a dear friend looked me right in the eye and asked me how I am.  I know her.  She wanted a clear answer, but I couldn’t give it just then.  “I’m tired.”  I could tell she wasn’t buying it, but she went with it for the time being.  I was thankful, because I was not ready to break down with my heart there.  She rescued me by making me laugh and I felt like I could stay.

With that decision, I was blessed and encouraged.  Encouraged by the hug of a friend and the expression of her burden for us….her laying away at night, praying for us.  My heart began to soften in the battle, thinking about You, Lord.  You, burdening the heart of another for us.  For me.  And then the many words of encouragement from another dear friend, who is okay with my “realness”.  You were loving me through them.

So, as I drove home, the war still waged within my soul, but I knew you had blessed me.  I could not deny that.  I tossed and turned in bed and my husband, carrying unimaginable burdens, prayed for me.

 And I started to see it again.

I live in a world where a simple candle can send me into a neurological tailspin, but You are there.  That ONE thing remains the same. You are always there….

Hugging me through a friend, encouraging me with her words.  Holding me through the prayers of a faithful, selfless husband. 

You refresh me and awaken me with your new mercies and compassions.  And oh how I need your mercy and compassion!

This morning I opened my Bible with a sense of Your victory and read Lamentations 3 in its entirety.  It’s my faith journey.  My heart loudly resonates with the lament!  Yes!  I have said, “My strength has perished, and so has my hope from the Lord!” Lamentations 3:18  I have uttered those very words!  But then….

“Surely my heart remembers and is bowed down within me.  This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope.” Lamentations 3:20-21

So today I return to that place of rest.  “I wait silently for the salvation of the Lord.”  Your salvation, Lord, for I know this life I am going through is but a vapor compared to what you have prepared for me up ahead.  So I journey onward.  Homeward.

All glory to You.

Amen.

A Letter to the One Caring for the Chronically Ill Loved One

This letter is mainly dedicated to and inspired by my husband, who has never left my side and has made more sacrifices than anyone else in my life.  It is also dedicated to my children, who are amazingly loyal to their Mama and have been such an encouragement to me.  I also dedicate this to my own Mama, who has helped physically when she is able, but has never left her knees in prayer.  It is also dedicated the desperate mother out there who asked me if life would ever get better, if her daughter would ever hope again.....

Dear friend who is caring for the chronically injured or ill,

You are not forgotten.  I know what you are doing and what you have done for your loved one.

While she struggles, you love on. 

You keep on hoping for her, when she has lost hope.

You lay awake at night and pray, when she no longer has the strength to pray.

When she is angry and snappy and when her brain just won’t work right and she holds her head sobbing in desperation….struggling to see the other side, you extended her your grace.

When everyone else seems to have disappeared from her life and she feels the ache of loneliness, you remain fiercely loyal.

You keep loving when you are not feeling loved in return, or truly getting what you need.

You take care of the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of the family when she cannot muster the strength to get out of bed. 

You race her to ER visits, while praying and pleading loudly on her behalf, “Hasn’t she seen enough, Lord!?!”  and then carry the burden of watching the pile of bills becoming larger and larger, and you never say a word about them. 

You make sacrifices to be sure she gets the care she needs.  Even if it means so many other things have failed to help, you are willing to try that ONE. MORE. THING.

You have believed in her when others have doubted her.

You have just let her cry and feel angry about her state, and perhaps hidden your own tears and anger about her state.

You get spiritually, emotionally and physically tired, but you press on because of your dedication and your love.

You have brightened her world with your smile, your laugh, your faithfulness.  Sometimes the light goes on for her and she sees all that you are doing for her and she remembers….

Your love reminds her of the One who loves on, hopes for her, intercedes for her, extends her grace, remains loyal to her, takes care of her every need, sacrifices for her, believes in her, cries for her and forever remains faithful in her life.

Through your love, she is reminded that He loves her as you are trying to loving her, and she hopes again.  She hopes for the day when every tear will be wiped from her eyes, your eyes.  You are modeling the love of her God, and this renews her hope.

You are not forgotten.  The Heavenly Father sees the work of those who love Him, and He will be faithful to reward every, single deed done for Him and for His glory. 

May the light of God’s glory refresh you and fill you with His joy as you press on in your dedicated love.

A Prayer

Dearest Lord Jesus,

You know her.  You see her.  You hear her.  You love her.

She spent the night in the ER, in the room next to mine.  I listened to her as she tried to explain to her dad on the phone what had happened to her.  She came in by ambulance.  I heard her explain to the nurse how she cut her toe with glass, hurt her knee and shoulder, when she slipped on water on the kitchen floor.

“Dad! Please listen to me!”  I saw her from where I lay in my own bed, through the slight crack in the curtain, as she wiped tears from her eyes.  He had hung up on her.  I could hear her plea as she called him again, “Dad!  I’m trying to tell you what happened to me!  I almost lost consciousness!  Dad?  Dad?”  She put her phone down and I could see her chest rise and fall with deep, painful emotion. 

Soon I could hear her outburst of tourettes and her apologies to those around her.  She tried her dad again.  “Dad, I think Mom is coming to be with me.”  The night went on.  A mother never came.  I heard her tell the nurse once that she believed her shoulder was dislocated, but when she was alone she moved about normally.  Once she lifted her hand to wipe a tear and I saw them.  The scars up her arm.  In that moment her silent cries were deafening.

 I prayed and asked you to give me an opportunity to tell her You love her, but you never did.  I could barely move on my bed for the searing pain in my head.  They had put me in a room with walls and a door, because my pain was so bad, but before they had even brought this woman in I had asked them to please leave my door open.  I really had no reason why I asked them to do that, but now I know why.  You wanted me to see.  To hear.  To feel.  To intercede.

The dad eventually showed up.  “Dad, you should see my toe.”  He ignored her and my husband could see him go to the back corner of the room.  She started to explain what happened and stopped suddenly, “Dad! Please, I just want to tell you what happened to me.”  She suddenly started having tourette’s outburst again and her dad started yelling, “Stop it!  Just STOP IT!”.  “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice quivering,  “I’m so sorry.” 

More silent tears, her chest heaving with emotion.  I longed to get up and tell her she IS loved!  My heart cried for the soul next to me.  That precious, hurting soul.

The pain paralyzed me and earlier I had been pondering why I couldn’t have noticed a rising infection during the day hours, so I could have gone to my doctor instead of the emergency room….but You wanted me there.  At that very moment, at that timing, You wanted me there.  Not because I am good or great or faithful, but because YOU are good and great and faithful.  So, when the bills roll in, we will count it a blessing to have been used by You on this night.  You wanted to use me to intercede and to love someone I do not even know.

I remembered your newest lesson to me these past few weeks and felt you impress them upon my heart.  Prayer is the greatest weapon.  So as I laid there, I watched and I interceded for this young woman.  I, and my family, continue to pray, believing You will show Yourself to her in mighty ways. 

You know her.  You see her.  You hear her.  You love her.

You are God.  You are good.  You are faithful.

I believe You have a plan, and I look forward to and long for the day when I get to see what that plan was….what it is.  Oh that day when our faith becomes our sight!

Until that day, thank you for being faithful to complete Your good work in me.

In Your Holy Name,

Amen.

Jordan's Accident

We had just finished supper.  The boys asked if they could go out and play.  It hadn’t been 15 minutes, after I had given the okay, before our 10 year old daughter came running inside.  She appeared calm and quietly stated that her brother was hurt.  I said, “Badly hurt?  She said, “Yes, he isn’t moving.” 

Brian and I jumped up from the table and began sprinting to our front yard where the boys had been playing.  There we found our 8 year old son, lying face down, in an awkward position.  He had tears streaming down his face, but was eerily calm.  He kept saying, “All I want is to lay down on our nice comfy couch.”

  To our relief he could move all of his limbs, except his right arm.  He was complaining of shooting pain in his back and arm.  He had fallen 12 feet (no, he did not have permission to climb so high) and landed on his back on a log.  He flipped over onto his belly.

We called 911 and prayed over him while we waited for an ambulance to arrive.  Our family was amazingly calm, and the children were very obedient.  Our 6 year old sat next to his brother the entire time, speaking into his ear and encouraging him.  I told Jordan that the paramedics were on their way to help him.  I said they would be very very good to him.  He said, with tears falling down his precious cheek, “They will?  Kind of like Jesus is good to me, but not quite as good as Him?”.

The ambulance did not seem to take long at all, though they apologized for taking so long.  They were amazing from the start.  They were extremely concerned about his condition, but one of the paramedics said he sighed a sigh of relief when the big fire engine arrived and our son started asking him about the fire truck.  “The “real” heroes had arrived and your son perked up,” he said.  He said he thought they needed to pain the ambulances red. :)

They loaded up our sweet little boy as our family and friends stood by and watched.  They informed us they would be taking him to the trauma unit and led me to the front where I would ride.  Brian would drive behind in our vehicle.  Before we started to move, they administered an IV.  Jordan didn’t flinch, or cry, or say anything.  He was very man like about answering their questions.  They were so amazed at his composure and told me we had an incredible child.  I knew the Lord was in our midst and I said so.  They all agreed.

Things went quickly once we arrived.  Ultrasound to rule out internal bleeding, meeting with a trauma surgeon, xrays of the affected arm, cat scan to rule out a broken back and ribs, meeting with an orthopedic surgeon etc..  It would have been overwhelming, if had not been for the paramedics and hospital staff, who were all so good to us and allowed us to stay with Jordan at all times.

On the way in to the cat scan the nurse got the call that our son has broken his humerus bone, so to move him with caution.  She told us everyone was in awe that he was  so calm and peaceful with a broken humerus!  I thanked the Lord again.  His grace when we need it.

Jordan made fast friends at the hospital.  They even said they would like him to stay the night just because they liked him too much and they didn’t want to let him go.  He told them he wanted to go home to his nice comfy couch. J  The paramedics came back to see him as well, to see about his condition and praise him for being such a good boy. 

Internal bleeding, a broken back and broken ribs were ruled out and we sighed a huge sigh of relief.  We were told a humerus is not an easy bone to break in a child and it is amazing that his back was not broken, since the humerus was broken.

The nature of the break did not require surgery.  It is lined up just right that they are using a brace to keep the arm close to the body for 2 weeks.  As long as the swelling doesn’t affect circulation and nerves, we are told he should be completely healed in 6 weeks time.  He will be seeing a pediatric surgeon for his followups.

On the way home from the hospital Jordan said, “Jesus was with me in that tree.  He was with me when I fell.  He was with me on the ground.  He was with me in the ambulance and hospital.  I never saw him leave me.”  I cried.

This morning my husband heard our oldest son tell Jordan that he loves him.  We are all processing our emotions today, but remain every so grateful for our son’s life today!

Thank you to the many who prayed!