Dear Jesus,
It is not easy for me to get out and about anymore. You know this, even though it is difficult
for others to understand. Some days I
feel so good and yet I know I must pace myself on those days. “Crashes” are always in the back of my
mind. Some days I don’t feel well at
all, yet I feel you pushing me out the door.
Last night was such a night.
I was feeling spacey, exhausted and emotional. I was struggling with pain, yet I knew you
wanted me to go fellowship with ladies at church. Fellowship.
It is not something I ever thought would be a struggle for me, yet here
I am.
When I first arrived, I hurt and couldn’t think and I wanted
to leave. I even mapped out a plan to
leave quietly. There was a beautiful
candle burning. I love candles, but it
wasn’t long before the symptoms hit me and it took all I had not to cry. “WHY do I have to suffer like this!? Why can’t I be like others who can sit in a
cozy room, with a beautiful flickering candle and be unaffected? Why can’t I just be NORMAL?”
Yes, you know my heart, Lord. It is real before you. RAW AND REAL.
And last night I felt mad about the cup handled to me, because now it is
not just about me and my illness anymore.
Now it involves my children. Now
it’s not just, “I’m sick”, but “We’re sick”.
And my heart could not be encouraged.
As I tried to listen and focus on the speaker on video, a
precious friend, the war within me raged on….until the end, when it is as if she
spoke straight into my heart as she read Your word.
“Remember my affliction, and my wandering, the wormwood and
the bitterness. Surely my soul remembers
and is bowed down within me. This I
recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.
The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions
never fail. They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is
my portion,” says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.” It is good that he waits silently for the
salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:19-26
Tears burned my eyes.
I have hoped in You. I have
waited for You. Grief stings my soul in
that very moment. It is all I have to
hold back the tears. When the fellowship
began, a dear friend looked me right in the eye and asked me how I am. I know her.
She wanted a clear answer, but I couldn’t give it just then. “I’m tired.”
I could tell she wasn’t buying it, but she went with it for the time
being. I was thankful, because I was not
ready to break down with my heart there.
She rescued me by making me laugh and I felt like I could stay.
With that decision, I was blessed and encouraged. Encouraged by the hug of a friend and the
expression of her burden for us….her laying away at night, praying for us. My heart began to soften in the battle,
thinking about You, Lord. You, burdening
the heart of another for us. For
me. And then the many words of encouragement
from another dear friend, who is okay with my “realness”. You were loving me through them.
So, as I drove home, the war still waged within my soul,
but I knew you had blessed me. I could
not deny that. I tossed and turned in
bed and my husband, carrying unimaginable burdens, prayed for me.
And I started to see it again.
I live in a world where a simple candle can send me into a
neurological tailspin, but You are there. That ONE thing remains the same. You are always there….
Hugging me through a friend, encouraging me with her
words. Holding me through the prayers of
a faithful, selfless husband.
You refresh me and awaken me with your new mercies and
compassions. And oh how I need your
mercy and compassion!
This morning I opened my Bible with a sense of Your victory
and read Lamentations 3 in its entirety.
It’s my faith journey. My heart
loudly resonates with the lament!
Yes! I have said, “My strength
has perished, and so has my hope from the Lord!” Lamentations 3:18 I have uttered those very words! But then….
“Surely my heart remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to mind, therefore I have
hope.” Lamentations 3:20-21
So today I return to that place of rest. “I wait silently for the salvation of the
Lord.” Your salvation, Lord, for I know
this life I am going through is but a vapor compared to what you have prepared
for me up ahead. So I journey onward. Homeward.
All glory to You.
Amen.
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