My Faith Journey~Lamentations 3

Dear Jesus,

It is not easy for me to get out and about anymore.  You know this, even though it is difficult for others to understand.  Some days I feel so good and yet I know I must pace myself on those days.  “Crashes” are always in the back of my mind.  Some days I don’t feel well at all, yet I feel you pushing me out the door.  Last night was such a night.

I was feeling spacey, exhausted and emotional.  I was struggling with pain, yet I knew you wanted me to go fellowship with ladies at church.  Fellowship.  It is not something I ever thought would be a struggle for me, yet here I am.

When I first arrived, I hurt and couldn’t think and I wanted to leave.  I even mapped out a plan to leave quietly.  There was a beautiful candle burning.  I love candles, but it wasn’t long before the symptoms hit me and it took all I had not to cry.  “WHY do I have to suffer like this!?  Why can’t I be like others who can sit in a cozy room, with a beautiful flickering candle and be unaffected?  Why can’t I just be NORMAL?” 

Yes, you know my heart, Lord.  It is real before you.  RAW AND REAL.  And last night I felt mad about the cup handled to me, because now it is not just about me and my illness anymore.  Now it involves my children.  Now it’s not just, “I’m sick”, but “We’re sick”.   And my heart could not be encouraged. 

As I tried to listen and focus on the speaker on video, a precious friend, the war within me raged on….until the end, when it is as if she spoke straight into my heart as she read Your word.

“Remember my affliction, and my wandering, the wormwood and the bitterness.  Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.  This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.  The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.  “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.”  It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:19-26

Tears burned my eyes.  I have hoped in You.  I have waited for You.  Grief stings my soul in that very moment.  It is all I have to hold back the tears.  When the fellowship began, a dear friend looked me right in the eye and asked me how I am.  I know her.  She wanted a clear answer, but I couldn’t give it just then.  “I’m tired.”  I could tell she wasn’t buying it, but she went with it for the time being.  I was thankful, because I was not ready to break down with my heart there.  She rescued me by making me laugh and I felt like I could stay.

With that decision, I was blessed and encouraged.  Encouraged by the hug of a friend and the expression of her burden for us….her laying away at night, praying for us.  My heart began to soften in the battle, thinking about You, Lord.  You, burdening the heart of another for us.  For me.  And then the many words of encouragement from another dear friend, who is okay with my “realness”.  You were loving me through them.

So, as I drove home, the war still waged within my soul, but I knew you had blessed me.  I could not deny that.  I tossed and turned in bed and my husband, carrying unimaginable burdens, prayed for me.

 And I started to see it again.

I live in a world where a simple candle can send me into a neurological tailspin, but You are there.  That ONE thing remains the same. You are always there….

Hugging me through a friend, encouraging me with her words.  Holding me through the prayers of a faithful, selfless husband. 

You refresh me and awaken me with your new mercies and compassions.  And oh how I need your mercy and compassion!

This morning I opened my Bible with a sense of Your victory and read Lamentations 3 in its entirety.  It’s my faith journey.  My heart loudly resonates with the lament!  Yes!  I have said, “My strength has perished, and so has my hope from the Lord!” Lamentations 3:18  I have uttered those very words!  But then….

“Surely my heart remembers and is bowed down within me.  This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope.” Lamentations 3:20-21

So today I return to that place of rest.  “I wait silently for the salvation of the Lord.”  Your salvation, Lord, for I know this life I am going through is but a vapor compared to what you have prepared for me up ahead.  So I journey onward.  Homeward.

All glory to You.

Amen.

A Letter to the One Caring for the Chronically Ill Loved One

This letter is mainly dedicated to and inspired by my husband, who has never left my side and has made more sacrifices than anyone else in my life.  It is also dedicated to my children, who are amazingly loyal to their Mama and have been such an encouragement to me.  I also dedicate this to my own Mama, who has helped physically when she is able, but has never left her knees in prayer.  It is also dedicated the desperate mother out there who asked me if life would ever get better, if her daughter would ever hope again.....

Dear friend who is caring for the chronically injured or ill,

You are not forgotten.  I know what you are doing and what you have done for your loved one.

While she struggles, you love on. 

You keep on hoping for her, when she has lost hope.

You lay awake at night and pray, when she no longer has the strength to pray.

When she is angry and snappy and when her brain just won’t work right and she holds her head sobbing in desperation….struggling to see the other side, you extended her your grace.

When everyone else seems to have disappeared from her life and she feels the ache of loneliness, you remain fiercely loyal.

You keep loving when you are not feeling loved in return, or truly getting what you need.

You take care of the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of the family when she cannot muster the strength to get out of bed. 

You race her to ER visits, while praying and pleading loudly on her behalf, “Hasn’t she seen enough, Lord!?!”  and then carry the burden of watching the pile of bills becoming larger and larger, and you never say a word about them. 

You make sacrifices to be sure she gets the care she needs.  Even if it means so many other things have failed to help, you are willing to try that ONE. MORE. THING.

You have believed in her when others have doubted her.

You have just let her cry and feel angry about her state, and perhaps hidden your own tears and anger about her state.

You get spiritually, emotionally and physically tired, but you press on because of your dedication and your love.

You have brightened her world with your smile, your laugh, your faithfulness.  Sometimes the light goes on for her and she sees all that you are doing for her and she remembers….

Your love reminds her of the One who loves on, hopes for her, intercedes for her, extends her grace, remains loyal to her, takes care of her every need, sacrifices for her, believes in her, cries for her and forever remains faithful in her life.

Through your love, she is reminded that He loves her as you are trying to loving her, and she hopes again.  She hopes for the day when every tear will be wiped from her eyes, your eyes.  You are modeling the love of her God, and this renews her hope.

You are not forgotten.  The Heavenly Father sees the work of those who love Him, and He will be faithful to reward every, single deed done for Him and for His glory. 

May the light of God’s glory refresh you and fill you with His joy as you press on in your dedicated love.